independence is a relative concept 

i wrote this almost exactly a year ago, when there were still ups to the downs…. the pills are no longer halved. I’m possibly getting another diagnosis soon. anyway, I hope there will be a day when I can be stable without relying on anything. 

I’ve been trudging up a staircase of halved white pills 

They shift beneath my feet sometimes, but they’ve been lifting me higher and higher, back to the light, back to the life, back to where the people are.

But all of a sudden I missed four steps – there was a gap – and I started to tumble down, down, to where sickness and sadness and darkness fester. 

By reflex I grabbed onto one of the powdery edges, and began to haul myself back up, hand over hand. Pulled myself back onto my platform of chemicals and concocted happiness and carried on. 

Then it got good. I was out of the shadows, and rainbows and soft-winged butterflies and infectious sunshine ruled my little world. For a week I was queen.


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