- boys/crushes/shitty things like that · 1) EVERYTHING · 3) THOUGHTS

piss off, sandman

A group of us is in the kitchen of a fast-food restaurant, making shakes, chatting, running food out to customers. It looks a bit like where I work, but it isn’t quite…

Then he walks in, and beside him is a girl. Tall, thin, scantily-dressed, and gorgeous. I just huddle in my corner, finishing a drink order, trying not too pay too much attention. But then she begins to dance, very provocatively, possibly even removing clothes… It’s all a bit fuzzy. 

The adoration in his eyes as he watches her is too much – I can’t take it. Trying not to make a scene, and utterly failing, I dash out of the building, letting the door slam behind me and collapsing on the grass outside. Uncharacteristically, I’m completely unable to control my emotions.

Sami follows me out, dropping to her knees and asking “are you alright?” and “what’s the matter?” I tell her everything, I tell her I love him and I can’t bear to watch him with her, but it’s my fault because I left. She hugs me and comforts me, and suddenly my parents are there, stroking my hair, saying it will be alright. It’s all highly dramatic. 

But oh, here he comes – looking so concerned for the girl who broke his heart. Somehow he knows exactly what’s wrong, and he kneels besides me and kisses my forehead, my cheek, my mouth, so gently. Those around us dissipate, knowing we need only one another. He reassures me that she’s nothing as he holds me tight, and I kiss him through my tears, telling him I never should have let him go and I never will again.

He pulls me to my feet and we are lost in a breathless embrace, kissing every inch of one another’s face and necks, murmuring “I love you”s between kisses, so happy after so many months apart.

And I awake with such a feeling of dread, relief, and sadness that I can hardly breathe. Dread that I’ve just messed up his life again with a promise I can’t keep, relief as I realise none of it was real, and sadness as I remember that the only time he’ll ever hold me like that is in my subconscious as I sleep.

I fucking hate dreams


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