The last two weeks haven’t been pretty. I’ve forgotten to take my pills three or four times, I can’t fall asleep, I wake up every two hours, I have no energy or motivation – I couldn’t even talk myself into cleaning the microwave the other day. And I almost relapsed on Sunday – I had to firmly remind myself that I’ve been clean for over a month and no good can come of damaging myself.
The thing is, it’s my fault. I haven’t been going to the gym at all, I have not been eating well, and the only time I go outside is at work. I was doing so brilliantly well in June, but I’ve let it all slip, and I can feel the effects. It’s been pounded into our heads since age 1 that exercise, sleep, diet, and sunshine are vital – heard it so often that it fades into the background now. But I’ve never felt the truth of it like this. And it’s frustrating, knowing that these things have a magnified impact on me because of the depression and crap – if I don’t keep up a decent lifestyle, I’ll fall apart.
So, I’m going to fix it. I have to, now that I’ve told you guys. It’s hard, hard to convince myself that I even can, or should, but I close my eyes and think back to when I was doing well. I was happy. I felt great. I had energy, I got shit done, I could sleep. I can get there again. Right?