- boys/crushes/shitty things like that · 1) EVERYTHING · 3) THOUGHTS

selfishly sad

hurting someone is awful. not as awful as it is for the one who’s been hurt, of course, but it’s harder to cope with.

when you get your heart broken, you can at least listen to sad playlists and eat ice cream and blame the other person for the exquisite pain of it all. want them, hate them, love them, miss them- and eventually set about getting over them.

but when you leave someone you love, you don’t know what to do. you can’t tell them that you miss them – it’s your fault that they’re gone. you can’t be angry – you only have yourself to blame. you can’t even say sorry anymore because you’ve said it too many times to mean anything. you feel all the weight of both your pain and theirs, and when they’re still in your life in some capacity, it makes it that much harder to bear.

when you assure them that it’s for the better, they can’t believe you. how could they, when you’ve hurt them this much?

when you say that you do, in fact, love them, it’s just painful for all parties. what’s the point of a love that can’t be expressed?

when you try to explain your reasons, all they see is that you don’t care enough to hold on. what more could you expect?

your heart is broken, but by your own actions. every song you hear about heartbreak is from the wrong point of view. you’re the antagonist, the one who left, the one the singer cries about at night, and it further compounds your guilt and sorrow and doubts.

then why leave, if it’s all that bad? if you’re so in love? if it hurts that much? because it’s for the better. because i can’t love him the way i should, because i’m tired of that space in my mind being occupied, because i know i can’t get better with someone by my side and i have to be selfish right now.

god, it all sounds so selfish. but it’s the reality.

~atp

have you ever hurt someone? been hurt? how did you feel? do you agree with me?

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