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the hardest goodbye is none at all

There was a boy I met in freshman Biology two years ago. I won’t tell you his name, but I will tell you that I always called him Casey. I had told him he reminded me of someone I’d known with that name, and it became somewhat of a joke between us, me calling him Casey and him calling me Elizabeth (for unknown reasons). It was fun.

We were never really friends… I’d say we were friendly acquaintances. Whenever we passed in the halls we’d yell out our pretend names for each other and I would always laugh. This year I often passed him on the way to AP Bio from Latin.

I write this in past tense because Casey took his life tonight. My friend texted me an hour ago and told me that the kids from another high school had told her, and at first I thought it was just another rumour – a lot of shit gets passed around our school, so no one is ever too quick to believe anything. But I hopped on Instagram, and there it was. There’s a remembrance prayer for him tomorrow in the morning.

I don’t think I really have a point with all of this. I’m just trying to wrap my head around it all, and writing is the way that I do that. It comes in waves … I’ll be sitting there and realise there is no more Casey. He’s gone. I’ll never smile after being called ‘Elizabeth’ again. I’ve never lost anyone besides my great grandmother when I was young, and I barely knew her. I’ve never had to come to terms with the fact that I will never again come face to face with a person, see their smile, hear their voice. I don’t know what to think.

Oh, how I ache for his close friends and family.I feel the need to say something here because I was not close enough to him to warrant saying something at school or publicly. Maybe it doesn’t have a huge effect on my life, but it’s still shaken me. I’m sad. I’m just so sad. To think of what he must have gone through, what he must have felt, that left him in a place like that… I’m sorry, Casey. I’m sorry I didn’t know, I’m sorry none of us knew. Or if someone did, it wasn’t enough.

I waved to him in the parking lot two days ago. I was just unlocking Belle and I heard someone shout something, so I turned, and there he was smiling and waving from his little white car. I waved back. I don’t remember if I called out in reply. He drove away and I got in my car and went home without thinking anymore about it. That was the last time I saw him.

Rest in peace Casey. You were funny, and intelligent, and brightened my day every time our paths crossed. I hope where you are now is devoid of whatever pain you suffered here.

~Elizabeth

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6 thoughts on “the hardest goodbye is none at all

  1. Again, we need a ‘don’t like’ button to push. So sad, so sad that he couldn’t hold out or ask for help. It is such a remarkable miracle that we are born at all, let alone in a society where there is so much opportunity for our making ourselves whatever we wish. Just wish teenagers would believe that life starts after high school and to just hold on!!! I’m glad Casey has you to remember him. I have a feeling that would make him happy.

  2. This is a sad and horrible tragedy in your high school, Victoria. I’m so sorry for Casey’s family and friends and all of your school community. You are young to be reminded of this lesson in life: Cherish the big and small moments and the people who give them to you in life every day. Hugs from Syracuse.

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