Sitting two feet away from him for an hour every day makes me want to simultaneously hurl a textbook across the room and kiss his face. And I don’t know if the fact that I can’t actually see him during class makes it better or worse… when he’s behind me I’m just so aware of his presence and so conscious of every single move I make and it’s driving me insane.
It’s not that I can’t have him. I can if I want. We were together for a while. The feelings are very mutual. But I didn’t listen to myself when I broke up with the other guy in October and realised that I need to be okay with me before I can allow a boy to care about me. I wrote a freaking post about it, I had a revelation, I knew what I needed to achieve mentally before I had another relationship, and what did I do? Dove headlong into whatever the hell this is, then let my depression, insecurity, and foolishness destroy it when it was getting good.
We’re still friends, I guess… more than friends. We talk – well, text – every day. We’re like magnets that cannot resist each others’ forces, but there’s a wall I’ve gone and stuck between us that only I can knock down. He’s tried – is still trying. And I am battling myself every day in my decision to leave it there, and he doesn’t understand my reasons. But if I move it and let this happen… I’m going to do this whole fiasco all over again and hurt him even more, and I can’t really handle that.
So when he asks, I say I can’t. I can’t kiss him. And it’s true – my mind simply will not allow me to. I know I will stick to that because my logical side is so much stronger and more straightforward than the emotional side, which can’t rally enough force to even begin to persuade the logic.
So, no matter how badly I want to kiss him, it’s going to stay this way. The problem is, he’s going to snap soon and remove himself from my life. I desperately don’t want that to happen, but It’s the price I have to pay for not explaining myself. Not explaining that when I hate myself this much I can’t let him love me. I can’t tell him that. So when he goes, I can handle it. It’s my fault.
What I don’t know if I can handle is sitting still in that class for the rest of the year…
PS: no apologies. the title should have warned you.