Badly Written, Incomplete, and Possibly Depressing

“Just find what makes you happy and focus on that.”

BUT THERE’S NOTHING. NOTHING. Sure, I smile in the little moments, there are some good times, but there’s no one thing I can grasp onto and hold. Things that make me happy one minute destroy me the next. My passions have become my greatest sources of stress. My rare smiles have become guilty pleasures brought on by transient things I can’t hold on to or replicate. Because it’s internal, not external – it’s not what outside that affects me, it’s what inside that’s devouring me. When the monster on the inside takes a break, I can enjoy whatever is around me, but no external factors influence that.

“Don’t worry, it will get better.”

Oh really? Because it was supposed to get better two months ago. It’s only gotten worse. And will continue to do so. Hell, I even used to tell myself this, so I don’t need you to. Go away

“But there’s nothing to feel this way about.”

Yes, you’re right, and that’s what fucks me up, because I would actually really like to find the source of whatever the hell this is because even if I couldn’t fix it I could at least understand. But you’re right, there isn’t anything, so I now feel like there is something doubly wrong with me, and I am making up problems for myself. Thank you for that.


9 thoughts on “Badly Written, Incomplete, and Possibly Depressing

  1. I know exactly what you mean, at least I think I do. I’m not going to tell you to “cheer up” or any BS like that because I know how you feel and I know it’s impossible to MAKE yourself feel better. The good moments will come in their own time and sometimes it seems like there’s nothing one can do to influence that. I’m glad you spoke to your mum about it, I agree that the act of speaking really does help, even though usually the person you’re talking can’t do anything to change things, but offer sympathy. I just wanted to say that I know how you feel, because I am going through similar emotions myself, and I really hope happiness finds you soon 🙂 Keep being awesome, dude.

    Jamila x

  2. Been there. And I got your back bro! Just download all seasons of TBBT, drown out the rest of the miserable world and laugh your behind off!

  3. After I married my husband, he stopped writing for 10 years. When i asked him why, he said, “It seems I can only write when I’m unhappy!’ (Of course, I could not complain, then, about his not writing, and actually started to worry when he did start writing again!) I mention this, half in jest, to illustrate the point that a writer does have one advantage and that is that unhappiness, grief and other negative feelings can always be used as fuel for creation. And sometimes the very act of writing can reveal to us some of the sources of our unhappiness or, at least help to alleviate it. There is a reason why psychiatrists have us talk about our feelings. Many times it is just the talking itself that sorts out and alleviates these severe feelings of unhappiness. You’ve already found this to be true in talking to your mom, but I’d like you to go further by writing about your feelings as well. You need not show this writing if that is your preference, but I absolutely believe that when we write we use a different part of our brain than we use even for speaking. Many times we can be put in touch with truths and wisdom we did not know we possessed. I’m so glad for the good advice given to you by Mark. It’s clear you’ve made some good friends here.—Judy

  4. You do need to talk to somebody up the ladder about this feeling, Victoria. Not a great feeling for you, and you shouldn’t be tormenting yourself like this in an isolated way. Please bring it up to your mom or dad or a trusted counselor. Please?

    1. Hey Mark, thought I’d let you know I did actually speak to my mom a couple of hours ago…it was really difficult but I think it was the right thing. I appreciate you saying this though, because if I hadn’t made the decision by myself before, your comment may have helped me to do so. Thank you for all your kind comments and support – they mean a lot and really have been appreciated. I think the attitude and frequency of my posts will both be improving soon…at least I hope so. Have a wonderful night xx

      1. I really appreciate you letting me know that you chose to speak with your mom, Victoria. I feel much better now. I hope she was able to make you sort some things out. LIfe’s complicated, I know. We all need to hash out what’s happening and how we feel about it. Me, too! That’s what I do with my dear wife Karen. I always encourage my daughter, Elisabeth, who is 24, to let me know if she needs my ear. She and are a texting all the time, as she out on her own and living 30 miles down the road. And as far as my supporting you, I will continue to do so. You are a gem that continues to be polished. I can be an ear if you need one when you come to study here in Syracuse. 🙂

  5. Ohhhhhhhh :/
    The last one especially made me go “ACKKKK” because to say that to someone when they’re not okay -_- just..no.
    I believe in you. It’s hard to offer advice, but I’m always here to talk. ❤

    1. Thanks Z, your comments and support mean the world. I finally spoke to my mom tonight, and we’re going to start doing some stuff, so hopefully I and everything I post will be a tad less depressing from now on. I greatly appreciate you 🙂

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