Thanks, Daily Post – I needed a timed free write. I’ve had this idea in my mind lately, and I didn’t have a chance to write it out in History today because we actually did crap. Shocking, right?
Anyway, friends…friends are difficult for me. I’m not one of those people who doesn’t have any or whatever – I have a few “best” friends, actually. But maintaining friendships is not my thing – I’m fabulous at forgetting to text back, neglecting to share information about my life, and just plain ignoring people. And even to my very closest friends, I tell very little. Emotions and personal struggles are not something I can bear to impart to other people, partly for fear of burdening them and partly because it scares me to allow people that close. Instead, I make trivial matters seem larger than they are so that it appears as if I really share what I feel. And it works fairly well.
Some high schoolers hang out with a bunch of people, talk about everything, and go everywhere with anyone. But I’ve realised I have a sort of limit emotionally and socially. It takes a great deal of effort for me to be close to someone, and I can only truly maintain a couple of friendships at a time. My “best” guy friend and I have been talking a lot more lately – nothing romantic, though we dated freshman year. We’re both in relationships, and his is quite long standing. No, there are no ulterior motives. But prior to the past week or two we had talked very little during the year. I’m not sure why – we tend to do that. But as I’ve gotten closer to him again, I’ve gone in the other direction with another of my best friends – it’s not all me, she’s very busy, both at home and school – but I haven’t made an effort. As I said, emotionally and socially I think I have a limit. And what with getting myself into a relationship (what is wrong with me) this past week, I have less tolerance and willingness to reach out than ever before, because opening up even a little to him takes a toll on me.
Company is something I rarely crave, and for that reason I have to make myself constantly aware of the state of my friendships, because I don’t feel the drawbacks of withdrawal while the other person might be wondering why on earth I’m mad at them or something.
I don’t know that it’s something I need to work on or change, and I don’t think I could if I tried. It’s just an observation.
I’ve been around a lot less lately because finals are next week. I promise I’ll be more actively reading and writing after all that.