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Sleep Tight

Dreams. I despise them.

I despise the feeling of waking in the dark, grasping breathlessly for reality, unable to comprehend whether what just happened, happened. 

Nightmares – the ghosts and fire and evil countenances that weave themselves throughout your subconscious – are dreadful. Everything is suddenly more frightening; even the rustle of your own bedsheets as you hid under the covers is enough to make you jump.

But the good dreams, oh, the good dreams are the worst. Because you believe they really might be possible. You awake with the scent of hopefulness hovering in the air and happiness engulfing your heart and just for a moment everything might be okay. But then his arms around you slip away or your childhood laughter fades into the sound of traffic on the street outside and all you are left with is the empty desire for something you’ll never have.

And, perhaps most frustratingly, once you dream about someone, they and whatever your mind twisted their personality into are lodged in your thoughts for an undetermined amount of time. For instance, there’s this guy. (There’s always a guy, isn’t there?) And I am much more emotionally invested in him than I should be, considering his complete lack of feelings for me. Since no one knows, I am trying to quietly worm my way out of this major crush thing my feelings decided was a good idea, but it’s not going so well.

Anyway, my best friend was thinking about having him over the other day and I was silently praying no because if something happened between the two of them I don’t think I could handle it. I’d pretend to, but really I couldn’t. He never went over, thankfully, but the occasion apparently was dream-worthy, because the night before last the two of them cropped up in my dreams, constantly together and making out. And the worst part was that there was no emotional connection between them so it could just as easily have been me.

Then when I woke up and my absolute horror dissolved into relief, I was angry. Angry with my best friend for something she “did” in a stupid dream. And I couldn’t get rid of the feeling. And now the thought of the two of them is hovering right over my head. It’s completely irrational.

Every time I have a dream something like this happens, and it’s unbelievably frustrating.

I’m just glad I’ve had this whole weekend to “get over” this imaginary event.

I need to go to bed. Hopefully free of dreams.

PS

You probably think I’m crazy, but that’s why I tell you guys these things. You’ll understand. If I told my friends I’d probably be banished to the fringes of society. Well, further than I am already

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10 thoughts on “Sleep Tight

      1. Okay. Keeping in mind that this is you talking to yourself, read this again.

        “He never went over, thankfully, but the occasion apparently was dream-worthy, because the night before last the two of them cropped up in my dreams, constantly together and making out. And the worst part was that there was no emotional connection between them so it could just as easily have been me.”

        So, what exactly do you think you’re telling yourself? 🙂

          1. Sorry for being abstruse. The way I’d interpret your dream is that there’s this part of you that’s getting tired of the whole “worm my way out of this major crush thing my feelings decided was a good idea, but it’s not going so well” thing and would rather that you went for it instead of staying stuck in “it could just as easily have been me” mode.

            Note that I’m endorsing any kind of action based on your dream! 🙂 Your subconscious has a habit of working without a filter, and it rarely takes collateral damage into account.

            1. Not at all, I should have realised what you were saying.
              Y’know, you might be right – ideas like that have been making their way to the front of my mind for a while now, but I didn’t take much notice. I’m not saying I’ll act on them, but I’ll give ’em another long hard look, at least!
              And that is so true about your subconscious “rarely tak[ing] collateral damage into account”! You worded that perfectly.

  1. 1. You’re amazingly mature for your age Victoria, and not just because you write really well for a teenager.
    2. Vivid dreams aren’t uncommon for people that exhibit strong artistic inclinations, which you clearly do.
    3. That you can remember your dreams at all is uncommon. Drawing strong emotions from them? Even less common.
    4. My suggestion: channel those emotions. Keep a notebook by your bedside. When you wake up and feel emotional from a dream, grab a pen and start writing, stream of thought. Write sad. Write angry. Write scared. Write happy. Put your emotions on the page. Don’t think about it until you’re all written out.
    5. Read your “dream journal” (for lack of a sillier name) when you have a quiet moment. Don’t judge yourself from what’s in the journal.
    6. Remember that your dreams are your subconscious, communicating to your conscious. That’s you talking to you. The communication isn’t straightforward, so don’t take it all literally. Most important always is don’t judge yourself – understand yourself better. There’s already enough judgment from other people going on in everyday life.

    1. Riccardo, your comments never fail to brighten my day, even when they are serious or advising. Your insight into things is invaluable, and I appreciate every word you leave on every post, even when I forget to reply. Thank you, for this advice and all the rest you’ve given me. The “dream journal” is a good idea – I should make that a habit.
      Just, thank you a million times over. Have a wonderful day – you deserve it, and a hundred more. I love your blog. Keep writing! 🙂

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