I know I shut you down pretty quickly the other night. And for that reason I never got to say the things I wanted to….to say them now would only be reopening wounds. So I’ll leave them here
for you to find one day.
We’ve never had anything deep, or passionate, or anything near love. But every time you open your mouth you get a laugh out of me, every time you grin in my direction I can’t help but return the smile, every time I catch your glance I don’t want to look away like I should. No matter what I said, I do still like you.
But like I said…I don’t think we work well together. “Just one date,” you said. I’ll admit, I was tempted. But we’ve been there, done that. Is another date going to tell me anything I don’t already know? And I think a tiny piece of me is convinced you’re just searching for someone to have. Anyone.
It just happens to be me
But I know, beneath the layers of my anxiety and desire and awkward denials there is something deeper, something that tore me from you the first time, kept me from him this summer, and won’t let me near you now. It’s something I’ve been told over and over since before I could remember, but like all advice, it’s taken me years and first hand experience to see the truth in it.
To love (or care about or open up to) someone else, you have to love yourself. For me, this doesn’t include my family. Through all my ups and downs, my brothers and parents always have, and always will, lay claim to a piece of my heart. But when it comes to those that you end up with by choice, that you seek out and decide to love, it’s a whole different story. My best friends…well, they’ve been there long enough to allow me to not mind myself.
But when I entertain the idea of being with you, holding hands, kissing, watching movies, going on dates….I want it, but my mind rebels against the idea because I am not comfortable enough in my own skin to allow myself to share any of me, either my mind or my body, with anyone. Even you.
So what does that mean? It means I have a new project….to accept myself, and whatever comes along with reaching that goal. I know it’s probably going to involve a treadmill, a lot of notebooks and keystrokes, a few tissues, and a very long time. I could tell myself I need to just love me the way I am, and I suppose I could do that, but if that’s not what I want, then why should I? I want to be able to truly embrace all of what I am, not constantly have these whispering doubts on the fringes of my consciousness. I suppose they’ll always be there, but I want some say in how loud they are.
Anyway, I hope you understand. It’s not you – it was never you. You’re great, I promise. Maybe we can talk this out in six months?
**I made this topic into a new category…I’ll probably write posts about it when I need to. Probably not the most interesting subject – I suppose this is more for me than you guys XD feel free to read them, though